I am so lost right now?

I have been in a relationship with this guy for almost 10 months now, and to tell you the truth, he's one of the greatest men I have ever met-and I'm not just saying that because he is my boyfriend. But I don't deserve him in the least bit. He tries so hard to keep our relationship from being destroyed..by me. No I don't cheat on him or anything like that. I destroy our relationship with this depression I have, but the depression is completely under my control. It's almost like a fake depression that I try and use for my advantage. I get so angry. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have destroyed every relationship I have been in because of this "depression" stuff I make up. I just want a normal relationship, but it's like this is ingrained in me..I have done this since I was little. What can I do? What do I say? He's beyond livid at me right now. I told him I hate him, and that he always acts like he knows everything when he doesn't. God I need someone's help. Please..someone send me a miracle.